ok first, happy new year 2014!!! doesnt feel real at all. its already april 2014 and i still feel like its only the beginning of 2013,

turned 19. that sucks. 1 more year in the teenage life i seriously freak out every time someone reminds me of how close i am to being 20. guess i still havent figured anything yet in my life, so i simply cant be 20 before that happens.

been about 7 months since the boyfriend went away? had my ups and downs and basically we're good except for a few things YEAAA LETS SKIP THIS WHOLE THING.

kalvin and danang's gone. fadhil's kinda staying though.

got my first ever gpa which is 3.28 and i was kinda disappointed really. but here i am, 2 weeks away from my 2nd midterm exam, trying to study as hard as i can.

look theres a quiz tomorrow and im typing this instead.

why am i keep doing this anyway from time to time. i barely have time, really. even holding the phone seriously hurts my arms nowadays. but yea its hard with everyone being so far away.

i think its sort of my badly updated journal, since momma threw my ringed books, the ones i and everyone else drew on through junior high. friends i kinda lost touch with? yea that sucks.

sleepy. bored. more like this kinda bored that makes you sleepy but not sleepy enough to sleep so you just cant do anything productive, ignoring the fact that i have a quiz tomorrow.

he promised to call anyway

////////am tired. another exhausting/boring day tomorrow.

you one unstable 18 year old wreck

so im kinda not sad anymore. i mean there were times in the past few weeks where all i did was basically cry and cry and fill rivers with the tears coming from my eyes. but yeah no im kinda not sad anymore. kinda feel a bit lonely, though, but people are basically coming back to me and yea there are some whos still not here but i know for sure that they will be eventually. sooo no, the loneliness is no longer as bad as it was before, so im not sad about it. things are going pretty fine, the exams and everything. but im not exactly happy either. no im not excited about getting up and do stuffs, like i dont know nothing actually excite me anymore, besides surrounding myself with the people im most comfortable with and genuinely like, and the list is not a long one. and most people that are on the list is far away, or soon to be far away. like at least more than 2 hours drive in a traffic free day away, and some of them will cost me plane tickets if i wanna meet up. the other people on the list is kinda busy. were all busy.

but yeah im not sad but im also not exactly happy. its just that i kinda lost interest in things. no excitement. can the people who is far away please come home so i can be excited about you coming home yes please that would be appreciated ok thank you.

hi

so i kinda miss writing. been a looooooong time, huh?

so here i am in the middle of my first mid term exam of the college life.
lonely. being in college makes me feel like im alone, all the time.

it's been about 5 months since i left my dorm and my high school friends (graduation was on june 1st), and sleep by my own. not a big fan of this life. kinda wanna go back. people keep getting farther.

boyfriend left on sept 6, been about 2 months now, 11000 miles away huh? i dont even wanna go to miami but he keeps asking me to be there on his birthday, considering he wont be able to come home. who doesnt go home on new year?

bestfriend's in bali, also driving those planes. why is my life surrounded by pilots. anyway, bali's not too far if you exclude the fact that he's in buleleng which is 4 hours away from kuta. he left a few days ago, on a sunday morning.

2 of (ex)roommates are in jogja. hirzi's in jogja. and felix (not that he matters HAHA ok maybe he does matter a bit). 1 goes to trisakti which i guess is kinda near if you have the time to go there (which i dont).

merlyn's being busy with UI, moving to mares. along with gege and trissi. irena's at binus with adam and dwima and dwipa which is also near if you have the time (which i dont). ellen's being ellen and is far, and vero's at uki being also far. bulan's going to germany next year.

deszan's in surabaya with yoan. kinda left without any notice. that traitor. came home a few weeks ago and we met up immediately so yeah he's still a precious one.

pandu is in malang! dan kemaren pulang tapi gaketemu what a bummer.

anty's in bandung with her ITB aaaaaah. i want her to be here with me.

fadil and danang and kalvin is gonna be in germany next january :-( and reno's gonna be in holland. and mila's already in holland while muning's in italy and everybody's not here with me.

except isal. isal's just next door lol i literally cling my whole college life on him idfc i need some sanity in the middle of those people.

sooo yeah thats the update to make it up for the past 8/9 months. mid test tomorrow. though im not sure somebody still read my shit anymore.
anyway. bye.

letter number five.

i try
so hard
to make you not feel worthless.
because the world is already so cruel
that i constantly write you
letters
to remind you of how much
i love you.















don't it ever crossed
your mind
that maybe,
just maybe,
i need a reminder too?

ma, kangen.

summer 2012

summer 2012.
the plan:
spend 2 weeks of our 2 weeks summer vacay rehearsing almost everyday for the dance in europe's cultural festival.
take off to europe at july 1, when everyone's supposed to go back to the dorm.
dance at serbia, homestay in amsterdam, visit paris and maybe italy before we head back home at july 31st.
skip a lot of school. laugh till we're knocked out in europe.

the reality:
problems problems problems. things postponed. and again. and again. and again and again and again.
stayed at the airport, waited, and then had to go back home at 1 am. 2 consecutive days.
and now here i am. just got back from the airport, again. the 3rd time.
and this time, we gave up.
all the dance rehearsals got wasted.
tickets. visas. everything's wrong.


well. there goes my summer. never started. gonna end in a week.



we're still going to paris, though. in december. fuck yeah winter. fuck yeah no sunny beach. me no really likey.

current obsessions.

more like current cravings.

1. Jawbreaking's Live Forever Young tank.

2. Hayley Williams' tanks.

3. Coca-cola sweatshirt.

4. Being in Europe with my boy and friends. We should've been there right now, if those motherfuckers didn't screw things up.

entah

...apa rasanya
nanti, saat kamu sudah bukan
punya aku lagi.

going back.

sooo yesterday i had my (super ultra late) birthday lunch with my junior high best friends. there were ellen, vero, irena, dwima, dwipa, and dendy. bulan, gege and trissi couldn't make it :( we went to Tekko and had some good laughs.
well, it's no secret that i haven't had much laugh since highschool started. but with them, it's just so easy.

which reminds me why i've been missing them so much. well, i meet dendy everyday in class, but i don't see the others very often. we all get very busy with school that it's really hard just to see each other.

i still remember junior high times, when i'd simply broke down laughing in the middle of the field. didn't care about the people watching, because the jokes were so funny that i lost power on my legs from the laugh.
we'd gather at trissi's house after school, just talking and laughing and ordering food, and the boys would play guitars and maybe we'd go outside to take some pictures. sometimes there were some movies and some biking, and little sisters and brothers would sometimes come along, waiting for mommy to pick us up. and i still remember how time flied so fast everytime we were together.

i remember the sun, the trees, the wind tiptoeing around our blue checkered skirts; the friday uniform, the day we usually gather at trissi's.

i remember how easy it was to laugh. how honest the smiles were, and how innocent our lives were. how simple happiness could be.

being with you guys is so easy. everything come out easily; the words, the laughs, the melodies. the hugs. the friendly touches, just so you know that i'm here, and to make sure that you're here.

i miss it. i miss those feelings. i miss the times when life was so easy, when the only thing we worry about was "how soon i have to get home?"

i miss you guys terribly. like, with all my heart. and yesterday, when (almost) all of us got together again, i just realized how bad i've missed you guys.

and i realized that until now, i'm still in love with them. even with this whole ex-boyfriends & ex-girlfriends thingies, we're still good ;)

i'm deeply in love with them. i want to hug each and everyone of them. i crave them. up to this moment. still.

january 29th

i'm not feeling really well these days. i mean, a lot of things happened, and it's been only a month since 2012 started.
i got 6 days off from school; 3 of them i was sick. had some pretty rough fights with some people. shed some tears, lack of laugh. spent a lot of money; not even on me, but i had quite a joyous time spending it. had a few panic attacks. missed my art assignment, but made it to my mandarin project :)
skipped 2 hours of class for the first time...and got busted. (kind of) lost a best friend. made the captain of the dance team. principal made me one of the school's mc's.
oh and one more thing, not like it's important....i turned 17. yeah, i'm 17. got a surprise from my boy and also friends. got a lot of cake facial. finished reading eat pray love, and currently craving for more books.
and still, a lot of things to get done before january ends. don't even have the strength to fill my ipod with new songs. got on the computer only to work on an assignment, 10 minutes of tumblr, 10 minutes of typing this, and then i'm out. so...i'm out. bye. tomorrow's the thirtieth, by the way. which means......14 months, i guess?

I adore your words, kak

Tak apa terluka sebelanga, katanya
Asal cinta tak lepas dari genggamnya
..Lagi. Sudah cukup tempo kali.

—Michelle Vinca

this jealousy thing.

i just don't get the people who get mad at their lover for getting them jealous.
i mean, doesn't that only drift your lover away from you?
i get jealous too, you know. kind of a lot.
but when i do, i think of the ways so i can be better than that other person. so he can look at me and think that he has me, and that's more than enough.

the deaf world...

...still can't hear me cry.

yeah, i start 2012 with tears, got a problem with that?

november 30th, 2010 - present

so i know that it's been a while, but i haven't got the opportunity to type here.
okay.

happy 1st anniversary, mister. bear. sharkie. polar bear. hot delivery. bregas. kidiw. brad pitt. jerm. okay, i can't remember another names i've given to you anymore.
thank you. thank you. thank you. that's all i can say. well actually, i've said almost everything i want to say in the letter i wrote you, so....yeah.

happy 1st anniversary. 12 months, huh? it's been a roller-coaster ride, if you ask me.
but just like a roller-coaster ride,
though sometimes you're scared, you scream your lungs out, you pray for help, and you think you're going to die
in the end, it was your choice to go on the ride, and the euphoria can sure make you laugh.

so who cares if sometimes, i hate you to the moon and back? who cares if i've cursed your name a thousand times? who cares about how many moments that made me swore to God that i'm gonna make you cry?
you do? well, don't.
because i love you far beyond all those things.

and i know that i can be such an annoying bitch sometimes. well maybe most of the time. and sorry for being so insensitive. and selfish. and everything. sorry.


i'm not asking you to be a perfect classy gentleman, who takes me to a candle light dinner or something. i'm not asking you to sing me a song through the phone every night till i'm asleep. i'm not asking you to be anything.
what i'm asking is
please, don't get tired of me. ever.
and please don't wake up the next morning and thinking that you've had enough of me.
at least, not anytime soon.

so
i can't see what the future brings
but right now,

this is us, standing on the top of the world.
let's make it last forever.

xxx.

wondering which version of you i might get tonight.

so this is really getting on my nerves. like, seriously.
you want a game? i can do games.
but when you lose, accept it like a gentleman and come back to me.

panic attack.

is it me, or is the world just deaf?

i've been wondering lately.
why can't people hear me cry?

entah apa yang salah sama kita.

tapi,
mau benar atau salah

"kita" tetap "kita".

Bukan sekarang

Ada banyak yang bisa lewat antara kita dan selamanya.
Jarak, misalnya.
Dengan pohon-pohon, rumput, dan bermacam-macam orang yang ada di antaranya.

Atau sifat
Waktu
Teknologi
Banyak.

Tapi
Aku tidak mau mereka lewat sekarang

Ini bukan surat cinta.

Malam, kamu. Maaf, aku jahat ya?
Tapi, kalau
Aku bilang aku sayang kamu
Kamu percaya kan?